Living on a Meteor for Dummies
by Briixzyanaa
Summary: A new-comer has shown up. And new-comers need Guidelines. That's all there really is to say on the matter. Unless you're Karkat, then there's a lot to say on the matter.
1. Chapter 1

**Don't ask why, just accept it.**

_**Don't own Homestuck**_

**Living on a Meteor for Dummies**

Rule 1#: Buckets

(What else were you expecting?)

xXx

Rule 2#: We don't talk about Dave's middle name

(That is saved for black mail purposes only)

xXx

Rule 3#: Do not dilute Gamzee's sopor supply

(Self explainable)

xXx

Rule 4#: Sollux is actually terrified of Honey

(So lathering yourself in it and calling yourself the 'Queen' is highly advised against)

Rule 5#: Tavros is not a form of transport

(So no jumping on his wheelchair and yelling out sled-dog calls)

(Yeah)

xXx

Rule 6#: If you tie a red balloon to Karkat, he will most likely kill you

(It's still funny)

(He has those sickles for a reason)

xXx

Rule 7#: Don't borrow Kanaya's lipstick

(Unless you don't want to see your lips again)

xXx

Rule 8#: Troll horns are indeed sharp

(And sensitive)

(Except Karkat's)

(But we're not allowed to say anything)

(It usually ends in murder)

xXx

Rule 9#: Swapping glasses is the worst idea ever

(Dave)

(John)

(Terezi)

(Sollux)

(Goddammit, you guys)

xXx

Rule 10#: Eridan is half blind

(And we are not allowed to exploit it)

(By say…telling him guys are more attractive without glasses)

(And then getting whoever's stupid enough to dress up as Feferi)

(But still)

xXx

Rule 11#:Talking to yourself isn't wise

(Three years on a ship does things to you)

('John, for the love of fuck, Liv Tyler is a plush fucking rabbit. She will not talk back.')

('I CAN DREAM CAN'T I?!')

xXx

Rule 12#: The phrase 'Are we there yet?' is banned indefinitely

(Once again, three years on a ship/meteor does things to you)

('It's going to take us three years; do YOU think we're there yet?')

('You're avoiding the question, Rose.')

('….No, we're not there yet.')

xXx

Rule 13#: Please actually remember that three years on a meteor/shipthing can do things to you

(Might as well make this a rule)

(Karkat needs it)

xXx

Rule 14#: In the event that Karkat forgets how weird we can be, please refrain from doing the following:

*Humming and then exclaiming the voices are singing you a song whenever someone tell you to be quiet

*Pointing out that someone has a boner, even when they don't (Terezi chuckled) (Scary)

*Yelling 'IMMA FIRIN' MA LAZOOOORRRR' whenever Sollux uses his psiionics

*Appearifying large quantities of Morphine

*Pretending that you can see Lil Cal (Dave screamed) (Very, very masculinely) (*wonk*)

xXx

Rule 15#: No quoting Tatyana Witwicky

*'Whoa! I like the way you said that. BOOM!'

*'He's so boring! He doesn't get mad when I poke him!' (Karkat, however, does get mad)

*'NOTHING! I JUST FELT LIKE HOLDING MY EYE AND SCREAMING!'

*'It jiggles!' (Everyone in ear-shot's faces were priceless!)

*'I'm a vegetarian...except for steak! I love steak!' (Kanaya said this one)

*'I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse!'

xXx

Rule 16#: Dave can't speak whale

(Nor can anyone else)

(We still try)

xXx

Rule 17#: If our noble leader, Karkat, rambles, it is very not okay to reply with the following

*'No I will not make out with you!'

*'No I will not have sex with you!'

*'No I will not go to third base with you!'

*'That should wait for when we are back in our private quarters.'

*'*gasp* *slap*'

*'I can't believe you would talk to me that way!'

*'Are you finally coming out to me?'

xXx

Rule 18#: Don't question PMS

(The trolls have a lot to learn)

xXx

Rule 19#: Don't question Davesprite either

('So…is it legit when I call you a chick now?')

('You shut the fuck up.')

xXx

Rule 20#: Don't bet Jade if she can make a portal gun

(She will try)

(And hell shall reign)

**Yeah.**

**Let me know if y'all want more of this.**

**Or if you have rule suggestions or anything, really.**

**I just think Homestuck needs some rules, yo.**

**-B**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey, what's up friends?**

**I'm super glad with the response I got for the first chapter, so thank you so much!**

**I'm thinking about writing a fic based off the 'new-comer' but only if y'all are interested. So leave me a note in your reviews letting me know what you think.**

**That is all. Onwards!**

_**Living on a Meteor for Dummies**_

Rule 21#: We are not allowed to build a fort of buckets around Karkat while he's asleep

(It's funny as hell though)

(Kudos to Gamzee for helping out)

xXx

Rule 22#: No singing 'it's a small world after all'

(Especially around Jade)

(I can't help it!)

(Those little planets are just so)

(Small.)

xXx

Rule 23#: Don't ask if Gamzee can juggle

(He can)

(We thought we would make it more 'interesting' if we got him to juggle explosives)

(Karkat put me in a time out)

xXx

Rule 24#: Don't attempt Alternian

(Turns out I said 'I wish to puffer fish your pants')

(I didn't even know they had words for that in Alternian)

(The Daves attempted to rap only in Alternian)

(I've never seen Terezi laugh so hard)

(Scary)

xXx

Rule 25#: Do not dress up as a clown if you value your life

(Gamzee will see it as blasphemy)

(Dave didn't talk to me for a week)

xXx

Rule 26#: We are not allowed to give Karkat large quantities of Caffeine

(He had an OCD symmetrical fit)

(Everything had to be symmetrical)

(Even outfits)

xXx

Rule 27#: When you can't find someone, do not refer to them as 'pulling a John on you'

(We found this funnier than we should)

(And then we got sad)

xXx

Rule 28#: Dave and Aradia are not related to Link from the Zelda series because they're Time players

(The fact that Dave uses swords does not help)

(We have dubbed John to be Navi)

(Dave is totally okay with all of this)

(But Karkat feels left out 'cause he doesn't get the reference)

xXx

Rule 29#: Speaking of Time players, we are not allowed to exploit Dave's ability

(So no Time Travel unless absolutely necessary)

(We have way too much fun)

xXx

Rule 30#: Don't try to cut Gamzee's hair

(That is all I'm willing to say on the matter)

xXx

Rule 31#: Halloween is no longer allowed to be celebrated

(Mostly because we have no sense of time around here)

(It'll be July and we'll think its November)

(The other half is because sugar and costumes)

(Sugar is self-explanatory)

(Costumes? Refer to rule 25)

xXx

Rule 32#: The milkshake song is banned

(Dave was so disappointed)

xXx

Rule 33#: Karkat (or Jade) must be notified if we plan to place wire traps and the like around

(On second thought, maybe we shouldn't say anything)

(hehehehe….)

xXx

Rule 34#: No riding Gamzee's unicycle

(Hot damn that was a lot of blood)

(Karkat fainted)

(Twice)

('Whoa! It's like skittles!')

('It Doesn't Taste Like Skittles, Though.')

(How does Kanaya know?)

xXx

Rule 35#: Do not go through Karkat's book collection

(Hot damn, Karkles)

(I didn't know you were that sort of troll)

(Dave says he still has nightmares)

(A majority can't look him in the eye anymore)

(Especially Terezi)

(Badum tsh)

xXx

Rule 36#: No appearifying cows to make them stampede through the meteor/ship

(Best)

(Idea)

(Ever)

(Jade shrunk them all down so it wouldn't destroy so much stuff)

(Made it even more awesome)

(Davesprite laughed so hard his feathers started falling out)

xXx

Rule 37#: 'SHUN THE NON-BELIEVER! SHUUUUUUUUUUUNNNN!'

(I actually started to feel sorry for Karkat after a while)

xXx

Rule 38#: No encouraging Kanaya's…'habit' with Gamzee

(We started making bets)

(Like, Gamzee can be cool sometimes…)

(And killing people is morally incorrect…)

(But in the words of our dear vampire friend)

(Just…Fuck That Guy)

xXx

Rule 39#: No more strip poker

(I'm going to let you guys use your imaginations for this one)

(I, for one, liked it)

(I regret and deny nothing)

xXx

Rule 40#: No quoting Red v Blue

*Oh. My. God. I can't believe I actually died for this war.

*Okay guys, I don't mean to be rude, but I've got a missing girlfriend, a guy who's pregnant, an idiot who thinks his pet just died, AND our worst enemy is hanging out unsupervised in our base right now. So I really, really, REALLY don't have time for this HORSESHIT RIGHT NOW! (That was the only one of Karkat's rants that I actually listen to)

*I've got half a mind to kill you…and the other half agrees (When Gamzee says that, you _run_)

*I AM NOT A THING! My name is Leonard Church and you will fear my laser face! (Thank you, John)

*HOLY CRAP! WHO'S RUNNING THIS ARMY?! (I do believe that someone is Karkat)

*You don't need to treat me like that! I'm not crazy, okay? I'm totally, completely sane. Now excuse me, I need to go blow up this dead body.

*'There's a very fine line between not listening and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life.' (Dave)

*'Relax, I'm not going to give it a cold. I'm just gonna go in there, step on its neck, and shoot it in the head. Because that's how I roll.' (Jade)

*'From now on if anyone's gonna make my girlfriend cranky and psychotic, it's gonna be me!' (Rose) (We were not expecting this)

*'He is not pregnant!' (YET)

*'I will fucking stab you, computer phone lady!

*'Goodbye Major Cinnamon Bun, I will always remember your buttery goodness.' (Karkat has a new nickname)

*'Your toast has been burned and no amount of scraping will remove the black stuff!' ('Will a chainsaw work?') (Kanaya was willing to try)

*'SHEILA! COME BACK TO ME! I MADE YOU A MUFFIN!' (Who Sheila actually is will forever be unknown)

**I nicked some rules from my other guidelines because they're relevant.**

**Deal with it. It's like, four in the morning and I have no imagination.**

**Peace.**

**-B**


	3. Chapter 3

**Wow, look more rules.**

**Aw yeeeeeeee—**

_**Living on a Meteor for Dummies**_

Rule 41#: We are not allowed to tie Gamzee's horn to our shoes

(And then proceed to chase people around)

(The bad part is that I heard honking for the next few days)

(The good part is that Gamzee likes me better)

xXx

Rule 42#: We REALLY don't talk about Dave's middle name

('It starts with "E" and that's all I'm going to tell you') (Dave)

('It'd be funny if it was a girl's name like Emily or Elizabeth or something!') (Me)

('…')

('….Oh my god.')

xXx

Rule 43#: No quoting Nemo

(Gamzee loves this movie)

('HE TOUCHED THE BUTT')

xXx

Rule 44#: We are no longer allowed to recommend human authors to Karkat

(All I will say on the matter is as follows)

(Rough and Ready by Sandra Hill)

(If you wish to know more, google it)

xXx

Rule 45#: We don't touch Dave's turntables

(Gamzee made it better by leaning towards Karkat and whispering 'she touched the butt')

(Dave was really mad)

(I kept giggling)

xXx

Rule 46#: Don't touch a troll's horns

(Like, the ones on their heads)

(Yeah.)

(Uh)

(There were a few _mixed reactions_)

xXx

Rule 47#: Speaking of which, no Candy Corn

(Karkat fainted)

(John thought it was funny)

xXx

Rule 48#: The Mayor is awesome, no exceptions

xXx

Rule 49#: No eating the residents of Can Town

(In my defence it was really good soup)

xXx

Rule 50#: Food coloring is banned

(We found the red)

(We found soup that wasn't Can Town)

(Combine them)

('BLOOD! IT KEEPS US FRESH AND YOUNG!')

(Kanaya smirked)

xXx

Rule 51#: Do not attempt to feed Jade dog treats

(Ooooohhhh she was pissed)

xXx

Rule 52#: Don't question the God-Tier pyjamas

(They're comfy as fuck)

xXx

Rule 53: John and I are not allowed to be left together unsupervised

(We start plotting)

xXx

Rule 54#: Arguing with inanimate objects in not recommended

(Rose will take it as an excuse to pick your brain)

(Objects include: )

*chairs

*Cans

*chalk

*Random Machinery (Sollux said 'Thon of a bitthh' about four times)

*Walls (Gamzee is the only exception)

*Troll horns (Karkat is still unamused)

*shoes

(And various others)

xXx

Rule 55#: Tactical meetings are to be taken seriously

(Here is a preview of our a previous shenanigans)

*The only solution is to stab him

*I enjoy burning the people!

*LET US DESTROY NOIR WITH POINTY STICKS (Terezi was very eager with this one)

*How about we invite them for tea and scones? (I responded with 'AND THEN STAB THEM WITH POINTY STICKS!') (I have another appointment with Rose now)

*Hmmm…The only way we can win this is by raping them and leaving them emotionally scarred. SO! Go out there and be a rapist and DO ME PROUD! (Gamzee responded with a 'YES MA'AM!') (Karkat released the imminent pap)

(There's more, I can feel it…)

xXx

Rule 56#: John Egbert is not a homosexual

(A majority of us call bullshit)

(But whatever floats your windy goat, Johnny boy)

xXx

Rule 57#: Seriously, stop quoting Red vs Blue

*'OH crap, OH crap, OH crap, running, running, running!' (It's astounding how fast humans can run when under the threat of being blown up)

*'Look at what I took credit for finding.' (Fuck you too, Sollux.)

*'Well at least I don't go around knocking on peoples non-doors and promising them cookies AND THEN NOT GIVING THEM COOKIES! I'M! LEAVING!' (Jade's reaction to our latest attempt to get her to eat dog treats) (Still totally worth it)

*'Hey, The box is there for a reason. I feel safe in there.' (Dave still refuses to tell us what he was hiding from) (I asked if it was Karkat's sexual advances) (He gave me a high five)

*'What's to understand about 'swish swish stab'? It's a fuckin' sword, dude. It's not a fighter jet.' (Dave)

*'Well that's just a matter of penis - I-I mean opinion! Opinion...' (Oh, Kanaya…)

*'That sounds like the feral cry of a retarded Mexican sasquatch.' ('You mean Karkat?')

*'Hey! How you like them apples? And by apples, I mean bullets! In your face! How you like them pears? Guess what I mean by pears?' (I think this is Karkles' new motto)

*'PROTECT ME CONE!'

*'Hey doc, nobody likes you.' (Rose is awesome, thank you very much) (Also, her sort-of girlfriend wields a chainsaw)

*'I think yelling should be reserved for only the most critical of situations...Like when someone drinks milk from out of the carton!' (Karkat still yells though)

*'Blue vs. Red battles. No one says Red vs. Blue. It sounds stupid when you say it backwards.' (That was Davesprite)

*'I WILL EAT YOUR UNHAPPINESS!' (I think this should be Gamzee's catch phrase) (Karkat gave me a look)

*'Oh, him. Yeah, um... he let me out and then somehow shot himself in the back somehow. Uh... but we don't think it was anyone's fault, everybody agrees it was an accident.' (…Right.)

*'What's wrong, having trouble keeping it up? Don't worry, happens to everybody. Well, not me but...' (Oh my god, Rose, you are awesome)

*'It's not pink, its light-ish red!' (Karkat got very nervous)

*'Bad? Oh no, that's not bad! Next time he comes over, why don't you just help him blow up the whole god damn base?'

*'Of course he was facing forward, what other way do people face?' (*wonk*)

*'For the love of evil, someone get the phone!'

*'Why do we have a million doomsday devices and no answering machine?' (Guess.) (Just guess)

*'Ugh, Officer Hot-pants.' (Gamzee's nickname)

*'Yeah? Well they say girls can't ejaculate either, but guess what?' (Wow) (Just…wow)

xXx

Rule 58#: Drop-Bears do not actually exist

(Karkat still has a quarantine zone though)

xXx

Rule 59#: Pick-up lines are now to be moderated

(I have listed some of my favourites for you all to take notes)

*Ay girl, can I Squirtle on your Jigglypuff? (Drunk Rose said this to Kanaya) (Best day ever)

*Ay girl, you make my Cattapie go Menapod

*Ay girl, why don't you take you clothes off so I can get a Pikachu (I thought that one was pretty clever, actually)

*If you were a Transformer, I'd name you Optimus Fine

*Hey Amy, can I swim in your Pond? (At first no one got it)

*There are 256 bones in the human body. Want to know how to make one more? (The trolls were genuinely curious)

*You remind me of my pinky toe, I'm going to bang you on every surface in my house. (Sollux stubbed his toe just as this was said) (Second best day ever)

*Ay girl, you're making my TARDIS warp

*Victory should be NAKED! (Don't ask)

*Baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock!

*Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them.

*I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk. (Gamzee started giggling at this one, while wearing these cracked glasses) (I don't get it)

*They call me "coffee". I grind so fine. (Dave is back at being the meteor barista for all eternity)

xXx

Rule 60#: Do not attempt to lick your elbow

(The facial expressions scare the others)

(Gamzee actually did it)

(I didn't know whether to be impressed or terrified)

**Well this is finally done**

**Yup. I'm going to bed now**

**-B**


End file.
